The Dynamics of Grieving

When a person you love dies, it's natural to feel sorrow, express grief, and expect friends and family to provide understanding and comfort.

Unfortunately, many consider grieving the loss of "just a pet" inappropriate which couldn't be further from the truth.  

People love their pets and consider them members of their family; they celebrate their pets' birthdays, confide in their animals, and carry pictures of them in their wallets.

So, when a beloved pet dies, it's not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of sorrow.

What is the Grief Process?

The grief process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years for another. The process typically begins with denial, which offers protection until individuals can recognize their loss.

While grief is a personal experience, you need not face loss alone. Many forms of support are available including pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, local or online bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine articles.

What Can I Expect?

George Bonanno, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University, conducted more than two decades of scientific studies on grief and trauma. Subjects of his studies number in the several thousand and include people who have suffered losses in the U.S. and cross-cultural studies in various countries around the world. His subjects suffered losses through war, terrorism, deaths of children, premature deaths of spouses, sexual abuse, childhood diagnoses of AIDS, and other potentially devastating loss events or potential trauma events.

In his book, The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After a Loss he summarizes his research. Because grief responses can take many forms, including laughter, celebration, and bawdiness, in addition to sadness. Bonanno coined the phrase "coping ugly" to describe the idea that some forms of coping may seem odd, bizarre, or yes, downright ugly. And you should know this: there is no right or wrong way to mourn a loss. There’s just your way.

What Can I Do for My Child?

The loss of a pet may be a child's first experience with death. The child may blame himself, his parents, or the veterinarian for not saving the pet.

He may also feel guilty, depressed, and frightened that others he loves may be taken away from him.

Trying to protect your child by saying the pet ran away could cause the child to expect the pet's return and feel betrayed after discovering the truth. Expressing your own grief may reassure your child that sadness is okay and help him work through his feelings.

Whether to Euthanize Your Pet and When

For pet owners who do not want their terminally ill pet to suffer, euthanasia remains a viable option. Making that decision though is extremely difficult.


It is often helpful to discuss the process of euthanasia with your veterinarian well in advance of its occurrence.

How will I know when it is time?

Knowing when euthanasia should be considered depends on your pet's health as well as your own. It is often helpful to look at your pet's quality of life. Does your pet still enjoy eating and other simple pleasures? Is your pet able to respond to you in a normal way? Is your pet experiencing more pain than pleasure?

You will be able to make a better decision and feel more comfortable about it if you receive as much information as possible regarding your pet's condition. If your pet is sick, ask about the treatment options, possible outcomes, and chances of recovery. In most instances, you will not need to make an immediate decision so take time to think about what you should do. Discuss the options with all other family members, including any children. Although it is a natural tendency to question our decisions afterward, if you know you made an informed choice, it will reduce the 'what ifs' you may tend to ask.

You need to consider what is best for your pet but also what is best for you and your family. Are you physically able to manage your pet's care? Do you feel ready to say good-bye or do you need more time? What will make it possible for you to feel comfortable regarding the decision?

What happens during euthanasia?

Euthanasia is a peaceful and virtually pain-free process but it is important to understand what will occur and how your pet's body may react. Knowing these things may make the process less traumatic for everyone involved.

To perform the euthanasia, the veterinarian will insert a catheter or needle into a vein of your pet's front or back leg. If your pet has been very sick or has had many intravenous injections, it may take a little time to find the best location.

Some veterinarians may then inject a drug into the vein to place your pet in a state of relaxation. The actual drug used to perform the euthanasia is a concentrated solution of pentobarbital which causes the pet's heart to stop beating. In most cases, it works very rapidly (5 seconds) but in some instances, the time between the injection and the death of the pet may be slightly longer. This is especially true if the pet has poor circulation.

In some instances, the pet's muscles may relax or contract after the pet has died. This can be very disconcerting if you are not aware of this possibility ahead of time. The muscles of the urinary bladder and the anus may relax and your pet may void urine and stool. Involuntary contractions of muscles may result in the pet appearing to gasp or move a leg. Again, remember your pet is not aware of these things happening since they happen after death. In almost all cases, the pet's eyes will not close upon death.

Knowing what happens during euthanasia may help you and other family members decide if they want to be present.

Memorial Service vs. Funeral

The biggest difference of a traditional funeral and a memorial service is that the body is not present in a casket at a memorial service. However, an urn with the loved one’s ashes may be present at a memorial service. Both traditional funeral services and memorial services have structure, and both bring the community together in support and remembrance. However, a traditional funeral service is much more structured and formal. A traditional funeral service is often associated with religion so it is often led by a member of clergy, whereas a memorial service is led by a celebrant or master of ceremonies. Memorial services often allow for each guest to participate to some level, where guests of a traditional funeral are really just there to observe and reflect.

Memorial Service vs. 
Celebration of Life

A celebration of life is an event that truly celebrates the loved one’s passions, intellectual pursuits, personality, and personal accomplishments. A celebration of life can really have no structure at all and can be really anything you want.
 
A memorial service could be best described as a gentle mix of a traditional funeral and celebration of life. A memorial service has some structure, but it still allows you the flexibility to make the ceremony unique and personalized to fit the individual being honored. Also the mood generally lies somewhere in the middle of completely somber and celebratory.

Why Choose a Memorial Service

- We find the most common reason people choose a memorial service is that they want the extra time to plan a ceremony. Since a memorial service can take place after the body has been buried or cremation, there is no rush to organize a ceremony. Immediately following a death, families are not emotionally ready to have a ceremony – They need time to grieve. Relatives and friends that live far away can organize their schedule to travel for the memorial service.

- Often those not religious choose to have a memorial service as opposed to a traditional funeral because traditional funerals are more often associated with religion.

- Memorial service tend to be cheaper than holding a traditional funeral

- As mentioned above, for some people memorial services serve as the perfect compromise between a celebration of life and traditional funeral service.

- Some people find celebrations of life do not pay enough attention to the deceased and turn into solely a party

Who should be present during euthanasia?

Many people wish to be present during their pet's euthanasia to say good-bye, to prevent feeling guilty for 'abandoning' their pet, and to know what the death was like so they will not wonder about it in the future. Each individual, however, will need to decide for him or herself whether they want to be there during the procedure. Sometimes family or friends may encourage you one way or another but ultimately it is your decision and you need to do what is best for you.

You are NOT abandoning your pet if you decide not to be present during the euthanasia. Your pet has experienced your love throughout his life and if he could talk, he would no doubt say he understands. Your pet will not be alone; the veterinarian and staff will be there talking to and petting him during the procedure. 

People say good-bye to their pet in many ways and at different times during euthanasia. You may:
Say good-bye before your pet enters the exam room.
Accompany your pet into the room, say good-bye prior to the euthanasia, and then leave before it is performed.
Say good-bye in the exam room prior to the euthanasia, leave, and then return to the exam room afterward to say your final good-bye.
Be present at the euthanasia and say good-bye during the procedure.

Again, in many cases, the individual family members may wish to have some time alone with the pet before and/or after the euthanasia to say their personal good-byes.
beach places to hold a memorial service

Five Ways to Remember Your Pet

1. Hold a memorial service
2. Find a special place for your pet's ashes
3. Create a living memorial
4. Make a scrapbook
5. Write down your feelings

Moira Allen has developed a great brochure that may help you or someone you love. Please click here to download the brochure.

The process of grief includes:

Feelings

Most people who grieve experience these emotions: sadness, anger, disbelief, numbness, relief, and guilt. They may come and go, or appear unexpectedly in response to a “cue”: something that reminds you of the pet, or person, or thing, you lost. It may be scary to experience such a wide range of emotions, or to feel them with such intensity, as you adjust to the loss you have experienced. But, all are part of the grief experience.

Random Thoughts

People who are grieving may experience many unfamiliar thoughts. A sense of disbelief or confusion, preoccupation with thoughts of the loved one who has died, disorientation, or even a sense of “presence” of their loved one may be experienced. Being “preoccupied” in this way is distracting, so take extra care when driving, crossing the street, or walking down stairs.

Physical Sensations

As C.S. Lewis described, his experience of grief felt like fear. Often after a loved one dies, people describe feeling “hollowness” in the chest, tightness in the stomach; increased sensitivity to noise or touch, weakness, and a loss of energy. It is important to remember that these, too, are normal experiences, particularly in the early days and weeks after the death of a beloved pet.

Odd Behaviors

It is common to experience changes in sleep or appetite patterns. There may also be a sense of social withdrawal, as the energy it takes to interact seems taxing. It is normal to feel disoriented and exhausted. You may feel that no one else understands what you are going through. Some people have vivid dreams, cry constantly or can’t cry at all.
Understandably, any combination of the above behaviors can cause the person who is grieving to feel a loss of control and to wonder if life will ever again have stability or meaning. While these experiences may not be normal for your “normal” life, they are normal for the grief experience, and they will pass.

For a deeper understanding, see how we can help.